Oh, how things have changed

So my first grade boyfriend turned out to be a cowboy redneck swimmer..

and i turned out to be gay. 

Books that I Need To Read

Hairstyles of the Damned- Joe Meno
A Modest Proposal
The Hours- Michael Cunningham
1001 books you must read before you die
Virgin Suicides
Jack Kerouac
The Best American Essays
Oleanna- David Mammot
Lesson-Kim Pritekel
The Iceman Cometh-Oscar Wilde
The Effect of Gamma Rays on Man in the Moon Marigolds- Paul Zindel
Pigmalien- George Bernard Shaw
How to Breathe Under Water-Julie Orringer
A Room of One's Own-Virginia Woolf
The View from Saturday- E.L. Konigsburg
Officer Friendly-Lewis Robinson
Possession-A.S. Byatt
The Bell Jar- Sylvia Plath
Elizabeth Bishop
Their Eyes Were Watching God-Zora Neale Hurston
Flannery O Connor

The greeters tried to smile to welcome me in, but it was evident by their body language that they were judging me with every step I took. As I entered the threshold of the sanctuary, I could feel their religious tongues wagging around me, as if to immerse me in their eternal damnation and send me to the deepest depths below. I continued to walk, as the woman in the third row from the back glanced at me, turned away, looked back and proceeded to pull her husband’s hand more tightly around her, certainly in an attempt to protect her from the visual evil which I evoked in the pulpit. The pastor stood in front of the congregation, smiling and glowing, the religious aura practically oozing from between his white, pearly teeth. These teeth were inevitably the untainted steps which guide his pulpit directly to heaven. I sat down, slightly surprised by the ease with which my body sank in my seat and took note of the way the light hit the pastor’s wife sitting in the front row, a veritable halo reflecting off of her perfectly straightened golden locks.
The sanctified music began to down fade and the Pastor stood up a little straighter, fixing his blazer and tie and clearing his throat in an attempt to draw attention to himself. “Thank ya’ll for comin’ here today to celebrate the rebirth of our very own Allison _____. Allison’s family has been an integral part of our church congregation since 1994. She is the daughter of Pam and Michael _____ and now can also be called a daughter of the lamb.”

“Do you know why you’re here?”
I didn’t reply.
“Look at me you bastard.”
After many minutes, I allowed my eyes to rise to his level and lock with his yellow, gaunt glare.
“Let me ask you again. Do you know why you’re here?”
I shook my head no.
“You’re a lying son of a…”
He raised his camouflage-laden arm up and I immediately flinched. The other man in the room stepped forward and stopped his hand from hitting me.
The second man quickly tried to calm the first down, which I later learned to be Sgt. Bigsby.
Bigsby began again saying “You are here because you have been classified as an enemy of the state. Do you have anything to say about this?”
I opened my mouth to speak but he immediately turned his back to make a statement to the other man.
“As god is our witness here this man was unwilling to share any information or deny any charges made against him on this Thursday the sixth of June, two thousand and six.”
“This is a celebration time when we commemorate the baptism of a beautiful young woman who has recently taken Jesus Christ into her heart and life as her lord and savior and the forgiver of her sins. According to Romans 6:4, ‘We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.’ What this means is that from this point forward, Allison and anyone else in this congregation who chooses to make Jesus Christ the leader of their life and forgiver of their sins is a new person. A changed person. You must give up your old ways and lifestyle and live a pure life, being the salt and the light of the world.”
He turned to her, covered up his mic and said “Are you ready?”

beginning of story

I find Christ in the most unassuming places. This very morning he was in the shower with me. Yes, that’s right, father, I found him in my drainpipe. I was merely washing my body, sir; I had just washed my face. I closed my eyes and stopped to feel the hot water run down my neck and back- momentary warmth overcame me until I removed myself from the faucet’s direct spray. When I ceased to bathe, I began to brush my teeth, as I oftentimes do. The toothbrush went far down my throat. I was distracted by the rhythmic tinkle that the water made when it hit the shower floor and I allowed my hands to be overtaken by the higher power. Christ himself, father, hit me in the stomach, and I began to wretch at once. Father, I first saw the carrots from dinner, and then the salad, and finally the meat and potatoes of which we partook only hours past.
Could it be, your excellence, because I had recently shaven away all my hair? Christ made my legs hurt so. They itched and burned all the way up to the crest where they merged and became one, sir. What choice did I have, but to shave every ounce of it off? Even after the hair was gone, sir, I continued to shave. I cut my body in lines, sir, which transformed into railroad tracks upon which my warm, red soul traveled. As I was looking down, shaving away my impurities, I observed my soul falling to the bottom of the shower in heaps. I was frightened by the separation of my inner and outer selves and began to scream for help. I was so alone, sir, what else had I to do?
So, I took the dryer, father, and I tried my best to dry my soul before it whirl-pooled into Christ’s possession. I plugged it in and brought it with me into the shower, shooting its heat directly at the drain. I began to shake, but I knew this was only His test. I proved myself true, father. I proved I am worthy.
I vividly remember when my father dealt the first blow: I began to fall at once. I grabbed onto the temperature knob in an attempt to lessen my fall- an unsuccessful effort which merely resulted in the chilling of my water. Needless to say, father, I slipped, and could not find my bearings. With toothbrush in hand, I decided to wait out my illness, remaining in the fetal position until I regained health. The cold water slapped my back, as if to help the food to come up- each drop stabbing my back like yet another frigid knife.
I was in such a position, father, that when he did, so graciously, break his grip on me, a river released from behind my feet and legs and went directly to the almighty, who concurrently was hidden in the pipes. I followed the river with my eyes and only then did I find him, with the larger remnants of my last meal, and I did thank and praise him so, exulting his mercy in the highest.
However, the end was not near. When I rose from my bondage, the water was far too clear, he said, so I took that razor, and I so did purify myself once more.




The man looked down from the rims of his glasses at me, ceasing the constant musical scribble from his legal pad and with an air of finality, he nodded his head. I had never felt the vibrations like I did that day, sir; the surges went from one hand, through my unholy chest, and to the other hand. It was, father, only mildly comparable to the hairdryer I used in your name that day, sir. So why, almighty, am I here before you today?

For the Fam

I really hate to inform all of you of this, but it has to be done.
I don't give a shit what any of you think about me! I am doing what I want with MY life because it is precisely that: my life. I do not have to ask a single one of you for help or advice because (surprise!) I can do it on my own. Contrary to popular belief, I am an independent woman and I have my head on straight (well...partially..). I do NOT need any advice about testing, colleges, my future, my life, relationships, or religion. I'm sorry if I have confused anyone by this, because to be quite honest, I don't give a shit what you think. If I needed your help for anything, I would be the first one to ask. So, answer me this: Have I asked? If the answer is no: then stay out of my fucking business and let me live my own life.
Any questions?
In addition: Back the FUCK off. I do NOT need your opinions or stanky ass breath breathing down my back.
Thanks.Oh, also, I don't need your pity or nosiness, so please, don't message me and tell me your sorry or "oh ira what's going on" because if you don't know, then it doesn't pertain to you.

update for laura.

These last few weeks have been very hectic. I was a little disappointed because I was supposed to be the Sound Understudy for Fabulous Fable Factory, but Vicky didn't give the permission to Michelle Cohen. Therefore, I didn't have a job on that show, which was a surprise. So, I am now the lighting understudy. I have about 140 hours so far and I'm pretty damn exhausted.

I'm trying to apply for colleges but I haven't finished any of them yet. I'm a little frustrated by AP lit and NEHS, but I'll get over it, i'm sure.

I think I'm going through a time whenever I really just want to be left alone. Hell, I don't know WHAT I want. But I really get pissed off w/ anyone who tries to touch me. I'm just not feeling very lovey-dovey or physical...nor am i really wanting to be around many people. I think something's wrong with my medicines. I've been terribly bitchy and pissy and I would rather be alone than with others. I'm unhappy when I'm with others (and all I think about is being alone) and when I'm alone I can't stop thinking about talking to someone and feeling so lonely. I'm wondering if i need to up my meds or something. I'm glad it's getting colder, but I wish it was somewhere where it could snow.

I haven't had my cell phone for a good minute now, and I think I'm really hating Verizon right now. I know it's bratty of me but I really do just want my damn phone back.

I haven't been working and therefore haven't had a source of income and mama keeps bitching about that and it makes me feel bad to have to ask her for money. I know it's not her responsibility. I'm basically stuck between a rock and a hard place because i only have one or two days every couple of weeks I COULD work, and if i tried to get a job, that wouldn't fly. Who knows. I really don't know what to do.

I feel fat. I feel like I'll never be happy w/ my weight. I don't even wanna go to prom & look liek a hippo.

High School

This is how i feel bwahahah

I am SO beyond high school drama! I am glad I'm a senior and I can GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE soon. I'm not sure how much more of Georgia-closed-mindedness I can take.

You know, I don't know if I'm gay (seems kinda futile for me to have left my mom if i'm not) but I don't see the need in finding a label for every fuckin thing under the sun. I'm me. I like boys. I like girls. I don't like genitalia. I like souls. Hearts. Minds.

is it really that complex to understand? I'm tired of feeling obligated to certain people. I'm tired of having to be nice to everyone. I am pissed. I want to be a bitch. One day it's gonna come out. It won't be pretty. I'm terrified I won't get into a damn college. 4.0 gpa...12th in my class. SHIT SAT scores. So colleges say "fuck you!"

Ahh...good ole' tuesdays.

Funniest Converstion EVER!

Disclaimer: Do not read this if you are uncomfortable with talking about vaginas.
I'm a feminist. And I like girls. So this, to me, is halarius.

"Here's a thought: Do yo uever wonder if your vagina gets lost in all the hair? I mean you have to love hair to love your vagina but do you ever wonder if she just gets tired of being hairy? If she wants to really be seen and figured out maybe she has to be shaved?"

Me: " Yes I do think that I try to balance my vagina by letting her be rough and tumble sometimes but also providing her with the fresh and crisp feel of hairlessness."

ahhhhhhhhhhhh

school is getting SO stressful. I think I have put too much on myself. Trying to balance a job, stage managing a show and 2 ap classes.

And NOW my dumbass uncle wants me to start working again.

2 jobs?

forget a social life.

and THAT'S what senior year is about!!

Heaven

G-d punched out each star
from the vast black expanse of
sky to show us piece.